Drafts on new perspectives (Soul Restoration part 3)

Why do we renovate old buildings or redo our homes? Usually because we are ready for something new. Perhaps the space has fallen into disrepair, or we are just ready for change. Our spiritual life requires maintenance, as well. We are all subject to entropy. I think about this every time I clean my house. I pull out the vacuum, the dog freaks out and everyone suddenly needs to be in a different room. But I’m stuck sucking up all the dog hair. I loathe vacuuming and apparently so does the dog. The worst part about this chore is that I know more dog hair will appear (within minutes, if not seconds). This is entropy. It happens everywhere! It not only happens on our kitchen floors and in our gardens, but in our friendships and in our spiritual lives, as well.

Thus, the need for restoration. The longer we let things go the harder it is to recover. When we buy an old building, we know it’s going to be rough because nobody has been keeping it up. The paint is peeling, the pipes are leaking, the wood is rotting; it’s usually a gut job. Once we have gone through the demolition phase, which I wrote about in part two of this series (check it out here) or if you missed part one about soul restoration (check that out here), it’s time to start designing the new space.

When we are updating buildings, we usually look for ways the space can be better utilized. How can we use this area to the fullest? I feel this way spiritually. I’m tired of my old way of doing things. I want something new. I have tried my way for a long time. I’m more than ready to try God’s way. A place I really struggle personally is to find joy. I tend to look at everything wrong with any given situation to the point of overlooking anything good. Can you relate to this? This was the culture of my family. There are many, many great things about us, but finding the bright side? Not so much. My uncle once told my aunt that she was defined by the things she hates. Yup.

I have to work so hard not to complain. I honestly don’t even always know I’m doing it; it just feels like talking to me. Do you have something in your life like this? Maybe you always put yourself down or you have no patience for anyone who doesn’t do things right (i.e., your way). Maybe you don’t make time for people, or you deal with a jealous heart. Whatever it is, are you sick of it? Ready to change?

Sick of it was how I felt about a month ago when we were in the middle of our second move in less than a year. An unexpected move. We sold our house (that I loved, but we wanted more space). Intellectually, I knew at some point we were going to have to move if I ever wanted more said space, but I wanted to just move into the next “dream” house. Well, this move was a multi-tiered plan that involved going into a rental while we looked for said new place. Let’s just say I was not finding the “joy.”

As events unfolded, there were steps in there nobody saw coming (especially me). For instance, we bought an old school building to renovate into living spaces with the plan of going in ourselves. While a very cool idea, this was not in my plans. But surprise, the school wasn’t ready anyway before we had to be out of our rental. So (wait for it) we bought a tiny cottage to remodel and move into in nine days. People said it couldn’t be done. Turns out it really can’t be done, and we had to spend a couple of nights in one of our Airbnb rentals that was available only because we were waiting for the air conditioner to be repaired. So, place to stay. Check. Any chance of sleeping after a near 100-degree day. No check.

I am not really one to swing with the punches. Thus, all the complaining. If I were to swing into any mental illness it would probably be a hoarder. I love to save things. I keep clothes from college. Scones from last week. So, you can see being forced into a minimalist lifestyle might evoke some complaining or just talking (however you see it.) So, as you can imagine I needed to do some redesigning of my thought life. I had painted myself into a corner. I was living in a small closet of complaints when I could be living in a whole tiny cottage. One day I caught part of a sermon on the radio about not giving into our compulsions. Ever feel like a sermon or article is talking just to you?

The Holy Spirit convicted me through the audible voice on the radio. It hit me so hard, I forgot about the library books I needed to return and sat in the car listening and then had to go on a long walk just to process where I was spiritually. My complaining and unhappiness had become an ugly habit, a compulsion. It was time to knock down some walls and rearrange the rooms. I had locked myself into a dark little corner when there was so much space. So much to enjoy. So much to be thankful for. That night I went for another walk, this time in my new neighborhood, and it was nothing short of magical. How had I not seen it before? I caught a glimpse of the sunset over the lake across the street, families gathered at outdoor tables lit with twinkle lights and someone played old music from the 40s and I thought, wow!, I get to live here?

I was so focused on the dollhouse-sized washer and dryer and the lack of counter space in my tiny cottage that I had missed the beauty of living near the lake and the simplicity and joy, yes joy, of having a small place. I felt like a veil had been lifted. Wait! I’ve been using this space all wrong. I wanted to paint over the hideous colors of discontentment and bitterness and redecorate with thankfulness and peace. I opened all the windows and aired the place out; gone was the musty stench of ungratefulness and in came the fresh air of a new perspective. I could never do this on my own. I needed the conviction of the Holy Spirit to open my eyes and my heart to what God had for me and this time it came to me over the radio air waves.

Renovating our soul is not just getting rid of the old but planning for the new. The new creature you are in Christ. Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. (2 Cor 5:17) One that can change, that can grow, that can find joy (or contentment or peace or forgiveness). The Bible says joy cometh in the morning. (Ps 30:5) After a hard season of demolition, it’s time to rethink, update and rearrange our lives. What do we dwell on? What do we talk about? How do we spend our time?

What’s one of the first things we want to do when we renovate? Have people over! Come see the changes I have made in my house or more importantly the changes the Lord has made in my heart. Before in this area I was ugly and selfish (pull out old photos), but now the Lord has changed my outlook. I see things through His eyes. We want to share the renovations in our homes and in our lives. Come over, have a meal, a conversation in this new space. I want to tell you what the Lord did for me. How things have changed by His grace. What’s the best part of a makeover story? The after shots.

Although we want to make changes for ourselves, we also make changes for those around us. I want to be a place people find safe and comforting. Relatable, yes, but someone that can move past the challenges and provide shelter for those in my “neighborhood.” I want to be useful to the Lord. The prayer of my heart is that God can repurpose my hurt and struggles to further His kingdom. The Lord will always be doing maintenance on me, but I want to be a place people can come to get shelter from the rain, inviting and warm . . . even if there is a lot of dog hair.

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Further reading:

The Hitching Post

Fuzzy Hope

Drafts on Demolition (Soul Restoration Series part Two)

Restoration is time-consuming. When we think of restoring old buildings (as we do in our line of work) or perhaps a work of art, we don’t jump to DIY. These are not quick “do-it-yourself” projects. This type of labor requires professionals. So it is, when it comes to my spiritual life. I don’t head over to the self-help section. Nope. This is not a job I can handle on my own—like doing electrical wiring or plumbing (and believe me, nobody would want me on those jobs). God is my go-to (be-all) professional consultant. And I need to consult Him everyday.

In my first article on restoration read here, I wrote about how God loves a project. He is in the business of restoration. Soul restoration. When He knocks on the door of our hearts, we have to invite Him in before he can start to do any work. Once we have greenlighted the project, He comes in with with the heavy machinery (the kind you need a license to operate). While the Lord does the heavy lifting, we do still have a part to play. We have been provided with a toolbox of our own.

Just as we don’t buy an old building to keep it the same, we need to be ready for God to make some changes in our lives. Am I willing to be renovated? This means the way I spend my time will change. I need to be ready to make reading the Bible a priority, almost a daily habit. In my 20’s, when I was trying to figure out this whole faith thing, I reasoned that I better actually read the Bible (like the whole thing) and not just the parts I saw on bumper stickers. Since then, I have read it from cover to cover, almost every year of my life. Just knowing what the Lord says does huge restoration work on our souls. As we learn His ways, down come some of the false ceilings and crumbling walls and we can start to see the framework God set up for our lives.

DEMO is always the first step in a big rehab project. Time for all the extra layers the space has acquired over the years to get ripped down. Old buildings have had many owners and often many uses. Depending on how old you are perhaps you have tried on some different personas over the years. We go through so many stages, good and bad, chasing after the wrong things, the wrong people. These stages can leave a mark in our thinking. I can still remember some of the lies people told me over the years that really colored the way I saw the world, myself and God. We need to take our thinking back to the studs. Get a clean slate and really dive into what the Word of God has to say about how we should think, live and treat those around us. The demo stage is messy and brutal as strongholds and negative thinking patterns get taken out to the dumpster.

Once all the old junk is moved out of the way (& this can take years); and you think you’ve sandblasted that pessimistic thinking out of your life . . . ahhh! there’s that mold growing in the corner again. I believe there is a demo stage of restoring our souls, but the maintenance is endless. That’s why I couldn’t just read the Bible through once and call it good. To stay on top of entropy (def: a measure of disorder; e.g., melting ice), I need to be constantly (daily is best) reading the Bible because old thinking and lies try to work their way back into my mind. I often think of it as feather dusting my mind; if I do nothing, just like dust, wrong thinking will build up. And just when you’re sure everything is sparkling clean the sun comes out and shows you all the corners you missed. Be sure to look under the furniture because dust bunnies love to hide out in the dark spaces.

What are some areas of your spiritual life and thought life that need to be demoed?

Maybe the way you think of yourself?

The way you think of God?

Or the way you relate to those around you?

How do you talk to yourself? Is it mostly negative and discouraging? What are some of the things you hear on replay? I’m doing a Bible study and one of the assignments was to write down how we think of ourselves. The adjectives I used were along the lines of not enough, lacking, failure. To my surprise almost every other woman I’ve asked about this has come up with the same type of words. Yet, when I look at the lives of these women, I think, “wow they got it together.” The enemy whispers to so many of us in the same way.

The warfare starts in our minds. It starts with how we think about ourselves and then it shows up in our words and in our lives. I often have to remind myself that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps 139:14), that God uses all different types of people (I Cor 12:4), that when I am weak, He is strong (Phil 4:13). A simple read-through of the Bible will show us that God does not use perfect people. Actually, apart from Christ, He uses exclusively flawed people. That alone stops some of those negative thoughts. Yup, I’m lacking, I can never measure up, I will never be perfect, but like that old building we’re rehabbing, despite all its flaws, we see its potential . . . and God sees ours.

When I can see God moving in my life, it’s easier to “feel” that He loves me and cares about me. It is when He is seemingly silent that I start to question His promises. I know He is a God of miracles and I believe He wants good things for me. Yet, when I’m in a time of waiting, I start to lose hope. I start to question what the Word says because I can’t see it in the physical world. I have to come to terms with my own expectations, my own time line, and my own plans for what I deem best. Often our faith is built in the “waiting” and faith is, after all, believing in what we can’t see, but know to be true nonetheless. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Heb 11:1) There is no doubt we live in a fallen world and for me there is no doubt God can work miracles in lives and hearts. The place I struggle is between those two points. How about you?

Just as a room needs to be demoed, my expectations of the how’s and when’s in my life need some demo work.

There might be some walls that need to come down.

We are made for relationships. It may not feel like it to some of us. I tend to self-isolate when I’m sad or angry. I don’t want to talk to anyone and that includes God. Sure I can do crazy, crying prayers in the shower or while driving, but I’m not really all that interested in the answer, I just want to feel better. I don’t really want to figure out how I got here (again!). But often God will use other people to speak to us and in turn He uses us to speak to other people. Thus, the importance of relationships. We help each other. Yes, we need alone time and time with God, but he pours into us so we can pour into others. His Spirit moves us to speak into a friend’s life or forgive or rejoice with someone. Apart from the odd hermit we live in community. We have to get along. This has really been tested lately in the world. If we are ambassadors of Christ, what does that look like? And (surprise again) we have different takes on that so how do we manage in truth and in love?

This is a lot of demolition work on our thinking and therefore on our words and our actions.

Are we willing to be taken down to the studs?

Do we believe God knows what is best for us? (This one is really hard for me.)

If those old buildings could groan and complain when we are ripping away the old walls and ceilings, I’m sure they would cry out—it is hard, painful work—but the end result is worth it. In our heart of hearts we know it is best. We can’t hang onto that old rotting stuff; we want it gone, we want to be made new. We want to be stronger and more solid in our faith, in our worth in Christ, in our value as a child of God. We want the little foxes of doubt chased out. We want the birds (of prey) that peck away at the corners of our thoughts to fly away. We want to be restored. “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” Jn 10:10b

God will restore us. It is hard hard work. But the result will be amazing.

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Further Reading:

Take Heart: Why Our Struggles are important

Playing the Wrong Notes

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The Hitch

Before there were parking spots there were hitching posts. You would ride your horse into town for say bonnets and holsters and other cowboyish things. You would circle the dusty block a few times looking for a good spot to park your horse. Hitching posts were set up in front of dry good stores, the sheriff’s office and saloons so you could tie up your four-legged ride and he wouldn’t wander off.

From the horse’s point of view, the hitching post was a stop in the journey. One minute you are galloping along with the wind in your mane and then, boom, you are roped to a stake in the ground and you aren’t going anywhere. You are quite literally tied to a post with nothing more to do then watch the tumbleweeds blow by until your cowboy (or cowgirl) comes back to untie your reins.

Do you ever feel like this in your spiritual journey? You are running along, reading the Bible, learning God’s truth, trying to apply it and then you come to a screeching halt and you find yourself tied to a hitching post. You can’t seem to move forward.

So many things can act as a hitching post in our lives:

Time (I’m so busy now - when can I ever find time to read and study the Bible?)

Desire (I would rather do other things.)

Struggles (Life is in survival mode; I don’t have time to sit with the Lord.)

Disappointments (I have tried investing in faith and been left hurt or wanting.)

There are many reasons we may find ourselves at a standstill in our faith. I have at times found myself lost in the canyons of doubt or stumbling on a narrow precipice; hearing the coyotes howl late at night and wondering if I will make it home safe. These times in our faith can be scary and discouraging. Yet, I will attest to their importance in our lives.

Over the years I have hit many a hitching post. So many challenges have come against my faith. Big posts and small ones. Like the big questions: Is the Bible all true? Why does God allow pain and suffering? And the smaller ones - like not spending time in the Word or isolating from Godly friends.

I have spent long seasons at some of these posts. Not moving forward. Stuck! (Usually because I did not want to do the work to figure out the answer.) Questions of belief and a worldview that eventually need answering. I’m often uncomfortable with these spots. How do I find the answers? What if I don’t like the answers? So there I remain.

Are you tied to a post right now in your journey?

Do you struggle to believe God’s promises apply to you?

Perhaps you can’t understand how a supposedly loving God allows so much pain in the world?

Maybe you don’t think your past can really be forgiven.

Until we come to terms with some of these types of questions, we can’t really move forward.

Spiritually, we are stuck at that post.

What do you need to figure out in order to move forward in your faith?

I have found that if we don’t spend too much time stuck on a hitch, it can actually be a time of growth. I want answers to those questions. The understanding that comes out of spending time in pursuit of them is actually very valuable. My faith is enriched, my witness is stronger and my ministry has more depth just because I spent time wrestling with these questions. The key is the wrestling part not just watching the tumbleweeds blow by . . .

Other posts that I find myself tangled up on are ones I need to just fight against. Making time to invest in my faith. Forcing myself to be in community when I just want to stay under the covers or buried at my desk. Speaking truth instead of giving into the lie in my head—before I start believing The Enemy.

What is your hitching post right now? Is it big one that has you completely stuck or just a series of small stops?

What can you do to move forward?

Start by praying. Ask the Lord to help you understand His ways. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths. (Pr. 3:5-6) Ask for wisdom. For the Lord giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding. (Pr. 2:6) Next start researching. Chances are wherever you are are stuck, somebody else has been stuck there as well, and perhaps they have written a book or recorded a podcast. Ask a trusted friend who seems to be solid in their Biblical knowledge. Once I started searching, I found a plethora of resources and over time, I curated a list of go-to websites or authors to consult when trying to get past a hitching post.

It’s really important to be in the Word of God while seeking answers. The Lord speaks to us through the Bible. I never cease to be amazed at how the Holy Spirit brings all things together. (See 1 Cor. 2:10) Sometimes it’s years later and other times, it’s that very day! I will keep hearing a same verse or a similar concept from several sources. When I first started studying the Armor of God (Eph. 6:11-18), it kept coming up everywhere—in the books I was reading, in conversations, in the Bible verses that just happened to be be my daily reading and on my preset radio station. Out loud, I ask God questions (usually in my car) and then I wait to see when and how He will answer. The more I’m engaged in seeking, the more avenues I have open to hearing an answer. What am I reading? Listening to? Talking about? Who am I hanging out with?

Don’t stay tied to that hitching post!

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Drafts on the New Shore

The holiday season is fully unwrapped; bits of paper and ribbon are strewn about, not only on my floor, but also in my mind. I find myself longing for a clean canvas. We have been working up to something: the big event. Everything merry and bright. Trees covered in tinsel, mugs with snowmen and bells on dog collars. This season is warm and jolly and it is also loud and busy. Many of us can become frustrated with the holiday season. It demands a lot from us. All the cards to address and gifts to buy and bows to tie. Like a good party, its fun; but after a while you just want to bury yourself in the coat pile and take a nap.

As all children, I loved the Christmas season! It was not, however, for the meaning of the holiday or the family time, but for all the unabashed consumerism. I felt zero shame in making an outlandish list of toys—this was, as far as I was concerned, the point. Once I entered young adulthood, however, my enchantment with the whole thing shattered like a dropped Christmas tree ball. I became decidedly anti-holiday and Christmas was the biggest offender in my mind. It was just all about things. And just so there is no confusion, I still wanted “things” to be under the tree on December 25th, but I was above it in an “emotional” sense. I scoffed at dishes with Santa, fake garlands, candy canes and holly-shaped soaps; outside of some white lights, Christmas décor was way over done. It was was just trying too hard.

Yet, age changes one’s perspective. The further I swim out into the lake of life. the more I find myself looking for a floating dock. A touchstone. A place to rest on my journey through this world. Holidays have taken on a new meaning for me. And Christmas, I must confess has become my favorite of traditions. I find it a great comfort. Not for its hot drinks and iced cookies, not even for its dancing lights or new mittens, but as a landing place. A safe spot to climb out of the waters of life and look around a bit. Or should I say look up a bit. The singing angels and shining lights are not there to illuminate what we have or don’t have, for that matter, but to remind us once a year of the babe in the manger. The holidays often seem to point out what we don’t have—that missing person, that broken relationship, that lack of resources; and while these things are melancholy, they do not take away from what God did for us. For all the pain, all the lack, all the loss—God sent His Son.

What are some resting places in your life?

What floating docks do you swim to throughout the year?

Our Christmas this year was more sober than most. We experienced a great loss. It was hard to celebrate in the face of grief. But I found myself still thankful for the floating dock of Christmas. A place to hold on and rest. It was not rest for my body, far from it; but rest for my soul. Knowing on this longest of nights we stop to celebrate The Word made flesh, laid in a manger and the hope for all humanity. Now, as the season is passed, and we are on the other side, staring a long cold January in the eyes, I’m thankful for the warmth of that little manger scene. I have a Saviour that understands my fragility. He cried for his mother, was tempted, hungered, felt betrayal, bled, suffered and died. All so very human. So very us.

Hebrews 4:15

For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feelings of our infirmities: but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.

As I take down Christmas cards and put away my new little treasures and eat the very last star cookie, I am thankful, and perhaps, more so than I was in the moment. I stayed up too late laughing on the couch, watched people I love open gifts, and sipped clove-laden hot toddies after a funeral. Now the pretty paper is in the bin, the tree is shedding needles and yes, that cookie was a bit stale. It’s time to get off the dock and swim back into life. I will carry this season with me, some of it is heavy and weighs me down, but some of it lifts me up. I’m ready to get back to work. I’m planning to spend more time in prayer and study. Already I’ve experienced new revelations in my understanding of God and my place. I’m doing a deep dive into warfare and praise. I’m using my new pens to mark up great spiritual books gifted me this season.

I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions, but I do think the ritual has its place. We have celebrated, (and perhaps mourned), we have ate too much chocolate and cheese, we hung ornaments and sang in candle-lit churches. It’s difficult to take it all down; hard to go back to the bareness of it all. Gingerbread smells that wafted through our kitchens are replaced by the hint of cleaning sprays and totes of greenery are placed in the attic, stockings are put away. Now is a time to look ahead. The cycle of the year has washed us up on a new shore.

Now I look to my spiritual goals. To grow closer to the Lord. To understand my faith better. To do more of His work. I want to equip myself for the long swim. And yet, we typically focus on our physical health and set goals towards earthly accolades. But what is beyond that? What awaits past the here and now? With age, with trials, with loss we become more aware of our limits.

Remember ye not the former things neither consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and river in the desert.

Isaiah 43:18-19

Hope is the answer. Expectancy for what is over the horizon. I can’t always find my way to hope. I get lost in the tangles of this life. Like a fretful night, I toss and turn and become caught up in blankets that weigh me down. But all I need to do is turn on a light and see that it’s just a dream. This life is but a vapor. Smoke. The glow of truth chases away the monsters. We have a God who loves us so much he sent His Son as our Redeemer. On our best day and our worst day and all the hours in between, that is always true. The hope is always there, but sometimes I can’t see it and I have to rely on faith. I need to grow my faith by reading the Bible, praying the scriptures and speaking the truth with my mouth, so that the lies are chased away.

I look out at the blank pages of this year—as a white snowy day, a cold lake, a smoothed out sheet—and aim to cross more pages of the scriptures, walk in the beauty of nature, swim in the waters of life and rest in the Lord.

What are your aspirations for this year?

Have you considered setting spiritual goals?

I often think of snow as a reminder that God keeps giving us fresh starts. His blessings are new every morning, He covers our messy sin with fresh clean snow. We can always have a new start with God, as His children we are granted Christ’s covering. I love to stare out at a snowy field, a sparkling white canvas. That is how God sees us when we come to him asking forgiveness, seeking help and guidance. He paints over all our mistakes like fresh white snow over a muddy pasture. He beckons us to follow Him. He gives us rest and then encourages us to jump back in the water, to walk on a new path.

Where will your footprints lead?

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Drafts on the Ordinary Life

I wear my great-grandmother Gertrude’s (this name makes me smile) wedding band on my ring finger. It is simple. Just a silver band. Very plain. Nothing anyone would notice or comment on. I actually have a rather eye-catching diamond ring sitting in my jewelry box at home, that I haven’t worn in years, opting for Grandma Gert’s ring instead. Sometime after having my son, I just found the simpleness of it better suited.

The ring dates from June 26, 1923! I know this because the exact date is etched on the ring. My great-grandfather, Robert, gave her this ring with their initials and wedding date carved inside. You see, from the outside, it looks like a perfectly ordinary, some would even say boring silver band. But if you could see inside, you would say that’s where the beauty is—hidden away. In flowery script, an important date between two important people (at least to my family) is memorialized.

How sweet to wear a great-grandmother’s ring. To know this tiny piece of jewelry was exchanged under vows by two souls that would later be responsible for producing my family (who just so happens to be some of my favorite people) is a lovely thought. I never met my great-grandma, Gertrude. We did not walk this earth at the same time; and yet, I carry a little piece of her with me everyday. It is quietly etched into the most unassuming piece of jewelry I own.

I also know some very unassuming people. They are just ordinary, everyday people. They have jobs like teachers or nurses or data analysts. They have ordinary families with the regular ups and downs; the kid that hits a home run, the dog that digs up the garden—again, the marriage on the back burner as they care for an elderly parent or whatever. Just life. Nothing eye-catching. Nothing that would make someone stop mid-conversation and say your life sounds amazing. Nobody is asking to see their plain silver band in the way you would a precious gem. Their lives don’t look like diamonds. The sun doesn’t catch on facets of their life and sparkle and dazzle all those around.

Besides, we tend to romanticize our dream job, our ideal family, that perfect trip. And, yes, these things have their moments. The promotion at work, the book deal, the vineyard wedding and the sleeping baby all have their thrill. I have had some of my own big moments—drinking coffee in Paris and seeing my first article in print! And even the everyday joys are such blessings. I delight in my friendships and in laughing with my husband and seeing my child love literature as much I do; it adds such sweetness to life. But honestly, in this season of my life, the thrilling moments are nestled in deep between just a lot of ordinary living.

Do you feel this way?

Is there just so much ordinary?

Do you feel like a plain silver band, that no one would notice?

And yet, when we become children of God, we are immediately taken out of the ordinary and remade into the extraordinary. Our plainness is transformed into breathtaking beauty, but it all takes place on the inside. Just like my ring, a very important script is written on our soul: “You are mine.” The day we say “yes” to our Lord and Savior, He claims us as His own. He immediately sets out to change us. He takes our plainness, our ordinariness and etches truth in a beautiful font upon our hearts.

So someone passing us on the street won’t stop and say, “wow, you sure are special!” And yet, if they sat with us, shared a cup of coffee and a deep conversation, they would see we are different than just the plain silver band they took us for. We are full of light. We have exchanged our heart of stone for a heart of flesh. We are like-minded with Christ and Holy Spirit led, or at least striving for these things.

When I look down at Gertrude’s ring, it does not impress me. When I look around at my life it also often fails to impress. It looks like a lot of laundry to do that will just need to be done again and again, vacuuming up dog hair that collects everyday and stacking tea cups in the dishwasher. And then there’s lunches to make, spelling words to go over, fights over screen time and who is going to walk the dog? And don’t even get me started on dinner (pasta again?). We cut the lawns, fix broken furnaces, shovel driveways and change light bulbs and I could yawn at the mundaneness of it all.

I have to remove Gertrude’s ring to be able to read the inside and see its worth. It actually wow’s me—really, when I take the time to read the inside; it’s beautiful! I have to look at the inside of my life to be impressed, as well. Behind all that cleaning and shopping and driving, behind work meetings and endless emails to be answered, behind the is-this-all-there-is thinking and there-has-to-be-more wondering is something special for the Christian.

God has written it on our hearts; He has made us special. We have been called out of darkness into His marvelous light.

We have been selected as special. We are an off-menu dish, the collection kept in the back room, let into the VIP area sorta special. You can’t tell from the outside. But we are called by God to work for Him. We have been bestowed with gifts and prayer power to change the very fabric of this world. Once we choose to follow Christ, He points directly at us and says, “I have a job for you.”

“Who me?” We look around, surely He is talking to someone else.

The guy over there with overflowing charisma or that woman with all the money and connections. Sure God could really use their lives, but not mine; did you hear about the laundry I have to do?

“Yes, you,” He says again.

Some people shake their heads and just walk away; I have nothing to offer, I think you have the wrong guy. Others say I don’t want that job, to raise these kids, work at that office, live there? I want something more exciting - with travel and covered business expenses. I don’t want a special needs child or a challenging marriage; I don’t want a ministry where I have to talk to people. What else do ya got?

But you are special. He has a special job just for you.

The Lord has been doing a work in me (in you). At times I think my life is just plain hard, but what if all this struggle in life is actually a training ground. Some of us have been training hard! Those issues in our thought life, with that parent, the guy at work. Yup. Training. So, when God calls us to encourage, help, pray, teach, admonish (gulp), we have already practiced. (Perhaps failed.) And practiced again.

Once we become a child of God, we are no long ordinary. Our struggles are no longer commonplace. And our responses are no longer typical. We have the Word of God hidden on our hearts, prayers on our lips and eyes for eternity. While we walk this earth we may look like plain silver bands, but there has been a promise written on our hearts and one day we will be like precious stones.

Perhaps you are going through a season or a whole life of really hard blows. And you are thinking, I would love some ordinary. Well, not only will the Lord take our ordinary, He will take our down right awful and use it for His glory.

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Isaiah 61:3 kjv

Don’t let the enemy make you feel small or plain; your worth has been etched on you by the very finger of God. Even better: Your name is written on the palm of His hands (Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands. . . Isa 59:16a). So when Satan tries to whisper in your head that you don’t matter or your life is too small or too ordinary, he is just worried. He doesn’t want you to use your God-given gifts to bring glory to the Lord. so he is trying to bury them in the everyday tedium of life. But your prayers are just as effective from a dark basement apartment as from the mountain tops. You can read Scripture over a cluttered coffee table, the same as over a still, blue lake.

You, my Christian friend, are anything but ordinary!

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Drafts on the New To-Do List

Today, I came across an old to-do list. It included signing my son up for golf lessons and for art camp for the summer. It made me pause. Will our near future include sports or group activities? I was planning to attend a writing conference next month, one that I had been looking forward to for two years. It is indefinitely postponed, just like the rest of our lives. Pending. Waylaid. Held up. My packed calendar, dotted with coffee dates and meetings and deadlines is now all null and void. I’m not even attempting to reschedule, which is perhaps the most disheartening part. There is no real end in sight.

My once full calendar in now startlingly empty. As if someone took it and dumped it upside down and time scheduled for friends, work, school activities, group Bible studies and writing in a bustling coffee shop all came tumbling out and slipped away. . . just like that. One day I was worried about having enough time and then seemingly overight, wondering what to do with all the extra time.

The New Normal

While none of us have experienced an almost nation-wide quarantine, many of us have had our lives changed overnight. I know I have. More than once. Sometimes we see it coming. Perhaps a move or a divorce or a sick loved one. We know change is coming. It’s not always bad either. A marriage, a baby, a new career path. Our lives are one thing and then the next day they are another. The sudden changes are the most shocking. A few years ago, I had texted about plans with one of my best friends for later that day—but later that day, I would be standing next to her hospital bed. I never got the chance to talk with her again. It all happened so breathtakingly fast.

Perhaps you have had something sudden like this in your life? You have found yourself looking around and saying, now what? What does my life look like going forward? How do I pick up the pieces or find my new normal? How do I rebuild?

Changing Roles

Our lives have been changed almost overnight. All the liberties we’ve enjoyed; so thanklessly gone. School and work to now be conducted from the walls of our homes. So many of us woke finding our roles changed from homework helpers to full-time teachers in a live-in school where nobody ever leaves. We wade through history lessons and confusing math problems, pretending to know obscure elementary English grammar rules, while secretly looking up plural possessives. I have great ideas of writing a book or organizing the junk drawer that doesn’t even really open anymore. And yes, I have seen your posts online—quarantine day 2: organized all my closets; quarantine day 3: taught the kids to play the mandolin and grow our own sweet basil. Yet, I feel like showering and making the bed is a win for the day.

Sudden change brings out different sides in all of us. Many of you will rise to the occasion and color coordinate your homeschool folders, while my dog has walked over ours with muddy feet at least 3 times now (and I write little sorry notes to the teacher in the margin). But I’m sorry about so much more than a muddy dog print. I’m sorry I’m not a teacher or an organizer; I’m sorry I’m not using this forced time at home to achieve more around my home or write a book (although there still may be time). Apparently, not having enough time was not the real problem.

What is on your new to-do list?

As more and more is stripped away, I find there is less and less to distract me from what I really should be doing; and it’s not teaching or writing or cleaning or even panicking. It’s seeking God. Long prayers where I lay it all out—the way I do on coffee dates with girlfriends. Time spent in study, deep study where I doggedly sniff out the meaning layered in the ancient words. And just time at His feet, waiting for healing in my heart and direction in my life. Who is God? Where is He in this? How is it with my whole city shut down, basically my life outside of this house, that I’m still distracted from doing what I need to do? Somehow I’m still focused on the wrong things. God says. . . Know Me. Trust Me. But I’m distracted by my worry of what this all means.

The last year or so I have spent my mornings in prayer. This is the one part of my pre-quarantine life I have held onto (it surely isn’t a normal bedtime). My prayers have gotten noticeably longer. More requests tacked on to the end til the appendix is as long as the book itself. I pray for all eight of our parents by name (and my grandparents); I mention my friends one by one, lining them up before me with their specific needs during this time. I ask for stability in a space that feels like it could easily tip. I ask that we will be extra sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit—pray for this person (maybe even call them); tell us where we can go and where not to go. Help me listen to the still small voice in new ways. I pray for our leaders, our decision makers. I pray that fear will not drive us (me), but that we will have a peace and trust in God almighty.

Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

Psalm 143:8

Is your Bible worn with good use?

Life can change without any notice. We prepare for a life of singleness and meet someone. We build our forever home and have to move. We meet new friends we weren’t even looking for and we say goodbye to people we thought would always be there. What is that saying? “The only constant in life is change.” Will this generation ever look at a fever and cough the same way? Will we at times stop and look at full grocery store aisles and think what a beautiful sight. I believe gathering with friends will feel less like an everyday activity and more like something special.

Uncovered Idols

I have been studying the books of Kings and seeing how Israel turned its back on God and chased after other gods. What gods have we chased as a nation? What have I chased personally? Is this a time of calling us back? A time of taking away our idols? Sports. Beauty. Money. Success. Family. I have sat in the dark of my bedroom and asked God to show me where I have gone astray. Where is my heart off? Where have I let things creep in? I believe the world is (has) changed in a very fundamental way and I want to emerge from this time ready for what awaits. I pray that I will “hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering . . . “ and that it will keep me steadfast and rooted. I think more will be asked of me. More confidence in what the Word of God says, more boldness in my life and quick, ready answers for those who ask, why I follow God’s words.

I hope in many ways this does change me. That it teaches me to trust in the Lord more. I found my weak spots in this very quickly. How about you? I read the Word and I pray like I mean it (because I do), but yet worry sneaks in like a tick, unnoticed. It digs in deeper each day trying to poison my faith. I need to treat it like the invasive demon bug that it is. I need to pluck it out with cold, hard tweezers. With precision and purpose, dropping everything else I’m doing and dig it out before it causes real and lasting damage.

What do you need to go after?

What is God calling you to during this time?

Know His Word.

Pray like it changes things.

Teach your kids (family/friends) the most important homeschool lesson of all.

Minister to others.

Who will you be after all this is over? The same or someone different?

Drafts on The Unlived Life

Your flight has been canceled! How many times have we arrived to the terminal to be told those soul-crushing words. We had a plan. A ticket, even, as proof of the direction (literally) our life was headed. We had it all mapped out only to be told we would not be partaking in those particular plans. Has there ever been a more fitting metaphor for life? When we are young we make such grand plans. With nary a thought for cost, delays or an entire re-routing. We say such things as, “I shall never get married” or “I will have three kids, two boys and a girl,” with no concept of any interference. We boldly pronounce that we will leave town as soon as we can, securing a flat in a faraway country or a lavish ocean-front home. Dreams are free. Free of cost, free of reality. Free of the entanglements and strange twists of life. But all too often dreams get canceled.

We are just coming off the holidays and I always try to make a point of watching It’s a Wonderful Life. I have seen this movie more times than I can count; I even acted in the play in college. The older I get the more I realize just what George gave up. I’m sure you are familiar with the movie, but in a slight recap, George Bailey has big plans. He grows up dreaming of travel and excitement. In one scene he is purchasing a suitcase for his adventures. The first piece of luggage he is shown is met with a head shake, no that is not big enough! It will never hold the numerous stickers from all the countries he plans to visit. He has a life plan and it is getting out of his little town to see the world. Bag in hand he heads out to say goodbye to friends and family. But, alas, George never puts one sticker on that suitcase. It turns out he didn’t need the extra large one, or for that matter, any luggage at all. That life was canceled.

Do you have a suitcase in your closet for that life you never lived? Most of us do. Have you packed up a wedding dress that never walked down an aisle or put away baby clothes that were never used? Did you plan to finish college and got sidetracked by a baby? The move to Paris or Rome never materialized and you live in the same town where you grew up. The job pays the bills, but you had dreams of a career in fashion or owning your own restaurant. You thought you would go out to conquer the world, but instead you deal with chronic pain or depression and conquering the day is all you can manage. Or you were going to show your kids the world and everything you loved as a child, but they live in their own quiet world that you can’t quite reach.

Most of us are George Bailey with a life unlived. We did the right thing, we stepped up when a parent needed help, we held back when a child needed us. We pay the medical bills instead of booking that voyage. We take in a struggling friend or we do rounds of endless doctor appointments with our spouse. We put the suitcase in the closet and shut the door. Perhaps you made a series of wrong decisions. Invested in the wrong person, left when you should have stayed, stayed when you should have left. Either way you feel like George when it all starts to cave in around you. You look longingly at the empty suitcase and think if only . . .

We Make Resolutions (And Then Life Happens)

So here we sit in the foothills of the mountain that is this year; this decade even, and we are asked to make New Year’s resolutions. To write down what we hope to achieve these next 365 days. I can strive to write more, have less clutter in my house and find something to be thankful for each day. But the truth is I will forget about these small goals in a month’s time. We never talk about these aspirations in March or July. They are long forgotten because life happens. We move again, someone gets sick, someone gets born, we switch jobs, we age. There are triumphs of course. We meet the right person, we get a promotion, we start a business, we finish school. But the trouble with even achievements is that they fade. In It’s a Wonderful Life, George has wonderful things happen. He marries a lovely woman, has four children, helps countless friends, grows the business and supports his country during wartime. He is a beloved pillar of his community.

I do not for one minute think, if George had left town that day and taken his trip, we wouldn’t be having this same discussion—it would just be in reverse. He would have traveled, but never found, say, love or real meaning. He would see the world, but have no sense of home. We humans are genius at longing for what we do not have. If it wasn’t that thing, it would be another. I’m easily tricked into thinking, if I had what I wanted, than I wouldn’t want what I have now. That if I had gotten on that “flight,” I would be happier somehow. I would have a wonderful life. But it is a lie. If we travel, we long for home. If we are secure, we want adventure. If we have responsibilities, we want none and if we have none, we ache for them. We are funny, fickle creatures. Always chasing something. Always wanting more . . . or less.

We are always chasing something.

Always wanting more … or less

We all have suitcases in our closets

I can tell you my perfect life as I’m sure you can tell me yours. We are told the trick is balance. But we can’t, no matter how hard we try, stay in balance; we just hit it once and while, on the way to being out of balance. I’m all for being mindful and intentional. Make New Year’s goals; I did! But what the Bible says in Philippians 4: 11-13 is true; we must learn to be content in whatever state we find ourselves—in plenty and in need. I’m always in both these spots in various parts of my life. Flush with friendships, but struggling at work or dry spiritually but in good health. The life I wanted is not this. How could it be? I long for balance, for perfection and something is always out of sync.

If I could make it all work, I would not need a Savior. My goals are sweet, but small. They speak to the here and now which will never, ever be enough. I can have the best marriage, kids, job, vacations and it would not come close to being enough. One of the greatest blessings in my life are friends, as dear as sisters, and family I enjoy like friends, but it is only a taste of what I long for. Achieving dreams is amazing. I met a goal of getting over 100 pieces published and it was rather exciting and a feather in my cap; but it does not give my soul purpose, it is merely a feather, ornamental. I very much wanted our unique little house with the wall of windows and mid-century modern fixtures, but I have to be very careful not to complain about its lack of a second bathroom and doors that don’t close tight. Opening our own business was exciting, but at the end of the day, it’s a job, and a hard job at that. All the dreams that do come true are still not enough.

God knew it would never be enough. Our bodies were not designed to die, but to live. Our hearts were not created for envy and longing, but for a perfect, complete love. Our minds are meant for good, for edifying thoughts, not negative and evil imaginings. We use our liberty to create bad as well as good. We are victims of others’ free will and they are our tragedies, as well. So thus the world goes: broken, lost, and hurting even in the best of circumstances. The Bible teaches us to control our thought life, to think on things that are good and lovely; not because we will necessarily manifest a better life that way, but because we will need this discipline to navigate life. (Read about this in Philippians 4:6-8) It is a bumpy road. Sometimes the plane leaves on time and we get upgraded to first class and life looks good; but other times we have to sleep in the airport, just to find out we are seated next to a fussy toddler (who is oftentimes our own!).

This post is not about how we miss one flight to make another, different but better excursion. Our lives are a lot of canceled trips, lost tickets, sick on Christmas Day, missed opportunities and so forth. And in many ways we just miss out. But we are mostly nearsighted. We look at the life unlived and we mourn, while God sees eternity, knowing the end from the beginning. He knows our hurts and our disappointments, He is farsighted! Where we see loss, hurts and failures; He sees the refining of our souls. He knows we are pilgrims, just passing through. As it turns out we didn’t miss the flight at all, we are still waiting to board. It’s a bit of a delay, so we set about doing things, having families, working that job, putting our hearts into a ministry . . . all while we wait to live our (yet) unlived life.

Do you find yourself longing for an unlived life this side of eternity?

Have you considered that even if you had that dream life it would still never be enough? Can you think of some examples of people who have it “all” and still struggle?

What can you do to keep your focus on the things that are “good and lovely"?